When Jack Bauer jumps into water, he doesnt get wet. The water gets Jack Bauer.
ThatGuy
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Jack Bauer once got pulled over for speeding. Jack then helped plan for the cop's funeral.
Doug
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When monsters go to bed, they check the closet to make sure Jack Bauer isn't in there.
John
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Los angeles doesn't need any hospitals because you are either very safe or very dead with Jack Bauer around.
Andy
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Jack Bauer once stepped into quicksand. The quicksand couldn't escape and nearly drowned.
Travis
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There are two hands that can beat a royal flush. Jack Bauer's right hand and Jack Bauer's left hand.
Tim
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The Berlin Wall fell because Jack Bauer needed to get to the other side.
Miles
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Jack Bauer teaches a course at Harvard entitled: "Time Management: Making the Most Out Of Each Day."
Sam
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When Google can't find something, it asks Jack Bauer for help.
Adam
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In order to control illegal immagration in the United States, the President installed cardboard cut outs of Jack Bauer along the U.S./Mexican border.
Kate
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Explosions do not kill Jack Bauer, they just get stuff out of his way.
Adam
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Jack Bauer once visited the Virgin Islands. They are now The Islands.
Tim
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When the president runs out of options he says: "Get me Jack Bauer, immediately."
Sarah
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Jack Bauer once opened a can of whoop ass. All he found inside was a mirror.
Dan
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Jack Bauer is the 'i' in team.
Miles
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People with amnesia still remember Jack Bauer.
Travis
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When playing "Truth or Dare," Jack Bauer dares you not to tell him the truth.
Cole
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G.I. Joe has Jack Bauer action figures.
Kim
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Jack Bauer named his cat 'Chuck Norris.' Why? Because Chuck Norris is a pussy.
Kate
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Ford Motor Company discontinued Eddie Bauer edition vehicles to make room for the more tactical Jack Bauer edition!
Tyler A
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Messenger bags owe Jack Bauer for single-handedly stealing them from the clutches of emo fashion and making them genuinely cool. Same thing with hoodies. And crying.
Sarah
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Jehovah's Witnesses once tried to convert Jack Bauer. After four minutes of interrogation, they admitted Jack Bauer was God.
Dan
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Jack Bauer once tortured and killed a man using only shadow puppets.
Adam
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Jack Bauer once ate an entire bottle of sleeping pills. They made him blink.
Miles
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Anything is a weapon of mass destruction in the hands of Jack Bauer.
Kate
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When Jack Bauer turns on an Xbox the screen just says "You Win" and turns itself off again.
Sarah
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If Jack Bauer was gay, his name would be Chuck Norris.
Kate
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Jack Bauer was able to eliminate Bird Flu playing Duck Hunt.
Sarah
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There is no 'ctrl' button on Jack Bauer's computer. Jack Bauer is always in control.
La Spina
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If you want to win a million dollars on "Who Wants To Be A Millionare?", put Jack Bauer as the answer for every question. Jack Bauer is never wrong.
Kate
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Jack Bauer made up the stork story to protect children from knowing that he was their real father.
Chris
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In the wake of 9/11, President Bush asked FOX to broadcast 24 in the Middle East. We've had no terrorist attacks on our soil since.
Chris
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Donald Sutherland fathered Keifer Sutherland but God fathered Jack Bauer.
Sam Pope
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If you ever look Jack Bauer in the eyes you will die immediately
Dylan
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Jack Bauer once won a game of connect four in three moves!
the Dude
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Jack Bauer doesn't need a silencer, he just tells his gun to be quiet.
Laura
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When Jack and Jill went up the hill, Jack saw a terrorist at the bottom and did an evasive manuver to get to him...He never "tumbled" anywhere!
Kristi
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As a child Jack Bauer did not play Duck Hunt, he played Muslim hunt.
Tim
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Jack Bauer beats rock, paper, and scissors
Gillian
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One day Jack Bauer took a toothpick, a stick of gum and a paper clip and he made MacGyver
Tim
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Jack Bauer can open a bag of Lay's potato chips...and eat only one.
Vish
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Why did Jack Bauer cross the road? Because he already killed everyone on his side.
Bob
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If Jack Bauer's gun jams, it's because he wanted to beat you with it.
Brad
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If everyone listened to Jack Bauer, the show would be called 12.
Justin
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Jack Bauer doesn't use the restroom. That's because NOTHING escapes Jack Bauer.
John
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Jack Bauer could get off the Lost island in 24 hours.
Zack
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Four years after Jack Bauer's election, the constitution will require new presidential elections. People will ask Jack Bauer to do the job for "24 more years".
Falko
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Jack Bauer can beat the virus out of a computer
MR MOO!!!
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When Jack Bauer becomes president, he will protect the secret service.
Leslie N
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Chuck Norris could slam a revolving door. Jack Bauer would just bust it down and kick his ass.
Ben
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Jack Bauer brought sexy back, and shot Justin for taking the credit.
Laura
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When Jack Bauer works out...The machine gets stronger
Chack
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Guns don't kill people Jack Bauer kills people.
Steve Bauer
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If Jack Bauer was air-dropped over Africa, the lion would no longer be the king of the jungle.
Mac
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Jack Bauer once caught small pox; it was never seen again.
Emma
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Jack Bauer has been to Mars.... that's why there's no life on Mars!
Taylor Bauer
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Jack Daniels is just a watered-down version of Jack Bauer.
Justin
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Chuck Norris thinks he can shoot down a plane by pointing his finger and shouting "bang". Jack Bauer would tell him what's really going on but finds it funnier this way.
Gillian
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Jack Bauer once got cut and bled all over the steering wheel of a semi-truck. We now know that truck as Optimus Prime.
Zeb
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Why did the chicken cross the road? It didn't dare cross Jack Bauer
Chicken
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When bad things happen to good people, its probably fate. When bad things happen to bad people, it’s probably Jack Bauer.
Adam
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When Jack Bauer uses "Herbal Essences" the shampoo has an orgasm
Marine
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[cue movie trailer guy] Six seasons! Not ONE dropped call...not ONE low battery warning! C.T.U. Wireless -- Good enough for Jack Bauer, good enough for your punk A**! Sign a new 2-season contract and get a free Osama bin Laden t-shirt...wearing a mushroom cloud turbin.
JamminJ
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Jack Bauer doesn't need to eat, sleep, or use the bathroom because his organs are afraid of making him angry.
Jackie
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To Jack Bauer, "Broke Back Mountain" means a pile of dead terrorists.
Big Daddy
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Jack Bauer never charges his cell phone because it is powered by testosterone.
Todd
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They finally found a cure for cancer, it is Jack Bauer's tears. Too bad Jack never cries!!!!!
Big D
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Jack Bauer once forgot where he put his keys. He then spent the next half-hour torturing himself until he gave up the location of the keys.
Jackie
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Jack Bauer isn't as strong as an ox. An ox is as strong as Jack Bauer.
Wren
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When mapquest gets lost it asks Jack Bauer for directions.
TRIO
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The only thing we have to fear, is...Jack Bauer
Matt
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American Idol is only popular because it has commercials for 24.
Big D
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Jack Bauer's parents threw him a surprise birthday party as a child........once.
Dan
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The credits at the end of 24 arn't the cast and crew, they are the people who died during the making of the episodes
Luke
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Kim Bauer is proof that not even the pill can stop Jack Bauer.
Kirk
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On Jack Bauer's Tax Returns, he has to claim the entire world as his dependents.
Kill
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Once Jack Bauer killed so many terrorists that the #1 Most Wanted person in the United States of America was an 18 year old kid that downloaded Shrek 3 illegally.
Adam
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If Rosa Parks was in Jack Bauer's seat, she'd move to the back of the bus.
Jack
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The state of California plans to reduce violent crime by changing the method of capital punishment from lethal injection to Jack Bauer.
Jackie
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Jack Bauer would have gotten the ring to Mordor in 24 hours.
Jen
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Jack Bauer doesn't sleep with his gun under his pillow, he sleeps with his pillow under hin gun.
Mike
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Some people see the glass as half empty, others see it as half full. Jack Bauer only sees that someone drank half his water, and that someone is gonna have a face full of glass.
Cirap
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The last Harry Potter book will only be 23 pages long, because J.K. Rowling is using Jack Bauer to kill Voldemort
Christian
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One day Jack Bauer was pulled over for speeding. After a short period of time, the policeman left with a warning.
Adam
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Jack Bauer could slam a revolving door.
Mrs Bauer
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Surrounded by terrorists and nerve gas, and handcuffed to a table leg, Jack Bauer laughed to himself and said, "I have them right where I want them."
Jackie
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When Jack Bauer goes to the airport and the metal detector doesn't go off, security gives him a gun.
Brian
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Jack Bauer is Luke Skywalker's REAL father.
Jim
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The Black Eyed Peas were just The Peas until the day that Jack Bauer heard their music
Adam
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Jack doesn't believe in Murphy's Law, only Bauer's Law: Whatever CAN go wrong, WILL be resolved in a period of 24 hours.
Bill
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Withholding information from Jack Bauer is now classified as a suicide attempt
Bill
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When a convicted terrorist was sentenced to face Jack Bauer, he appealed to have the sentence reduced to death.
Adam
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Jack Bauer played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun and won.
Jackie
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The city of Los Angeles once named a street after Jack Bauer in gratitude for his saving the city several times. They had to rename it after people kept dying when they tried to cross the street. No one crosses Jack Bauer and lives.
Kyle
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Upon hearing that he was played by Keifer Sutherland, Jack Bauer killed Sutherland. Jack Bauer gets played by no man.
Jackie
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Jack Bauer’s favorite color is severe terror alert red. His second favorite color is violet, but just because it sounds like violent.
Wren
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There is the right way, the wrong way, and the Jack Bauer way. It's basically the right way but faster and more deaths.
Jackie
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Jack Bauer got Hellen Keller to talk.
Jen
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When Jack Bauer says, "Trust me" you better do it or he will kill you.
Tammy
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Giving Jack Bauer a gun is like giving a child his favorite candy.
Mark
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Jack Bauer arm wrestled Superman. The loser had to wear his underwear on the outside of his pants.
B-Fizzle
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Tony was once shot in the neck, rushed to the hospital, underwent emergency surgery and was back on the job in just a few hours. Jack Bauer still can't believe that wuss went to the hospital first.
Jackie
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Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice. Jack Bauer would meanwhile do something important.
Brian
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Jack Bauer does not determine who is right - only who is left
Matt
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When people call 911, they get the police. When cops call 911, they get SWAT. When the President of the United States cals 911, he gets Jack Bauer.
Matt
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Once while taking a math test in high school, Jack Bauer put "Violence" as every one of the answers. He aced the test because Jack solves all his problems with violence.
Adam
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Jesus died and rose from the dead in 3 days. It took Jack Bauer less than an hour. And he's done it twice.
Bubble Sheep
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The number one cause of death in Middle Eastern men is Jack Bauer.
Wren
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If you know that Jack Bauer is in the vicinity, check your pulse. You may be dead.
Bill
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Once, someone tried to tell Jack Bauer a "knock knock" joke. Jack Bauer found out who was there, who they worked for, and where the damned bomb was.
Ross
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The meaning of life is Jack Bauer
Stu
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if jack was in a room with nina myers osama bin laden and sadaam husien and only had 2 bullets left in his gun, he would shoot nina myers twice
Ryan
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Jack Bauer has been to Mars; That is why there is no life on Mars.
Jim
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Jack Bauer isn't afraid of the dark, the dark is afraid of Jack Bauer
Jude
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Jack Bauer could strangle you with a cordless phone.
Jack
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On the 7th day, God rested. Then Jack Bauer took over.
Phat Pat
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My husband doesn't wish he was Jack Bauer, he wishes I was Jack Bauer!
Linda C.
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When Santa Claus asked Jack Bauer what he wanted for Christmas, Jack snapped his neck. No one interrogates Jack Bauer and gets away with it.
Kill
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One time Jack Bauer was the umpire for a Major League Baseball game. The final score was 1063 to 987. Everyone is safe when Jack Bauer is around.
Jack
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When Jack Bauer does a push up, he's not pushing himself up, he's pushing the world down!
Travis
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Jack Bauer once killed a man...lol once.
Jack
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Jack wasn't addicted to herion, herion was addicted to Jack.
Ryan
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Jack Bauer doesn't read books, he tortures them until they give him the information he wants.
Big Daddy
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The truth may hurt, but it doesn't hurt as much as Jack Bauer.
Justin
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Jack Bauer doesn't sleep, he waits
Big Daddy
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Jack Bauer's hand is the only hand that can beat a Royal Flush...
Blazon
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When Jack Bauer goes to "BURGER KING" and orders a "BIG MAC", he gets one!!!!
Ken
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Jack Bauer never sat on Santa's lap, Santa sat on Jack Bauer's lap.
Ryan
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From now on the phrase, "Bond ....James Bond" has to be replaced with "Bauer ...Jack Bauer"
Eugen
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Killing Jack Bauer doesnt make him dead, it just makes him angry
Christian
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1.6 billion Chinese are angry with Jack Bauer... Sounds like a fair fight.
Adam
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Jack Bauer doesn't need to eat, sleep, or use the bathroom because his organs are afraid of making him angry.
Brian
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When Kim Bauer lost her virginity. Jack Bauer found it and put it back.
Pip
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when jack bauer plays "simon says" the game changes to " jack says listen to me or i'll kill you "
Brittanie
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Jack Bauer can believe it's not butter
Dean
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As a thank you, the President re-named a town after Jack Bauer. The next day, everyone in the town had died. No one walks all over Jack and lives!
Patrick
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Jack Bauer: The deadliest man who lives forever!
Alison
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Jack Bauer doesnt wear bullet-proof jackets... Bullet-proof jackets wear Jack Bauer
Tyson
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Jack Bauer makes the Police Department look like a deaf guard dog.
Lissa
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Jack Bauer makes Chuck Norris look like Adam West.
Matt
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William Wallace trained under Jack Bauer.
William
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Jack Bauer's calendar goes from March 31st to April 2nd. Nobody fools Jack Bauer.
Brenna
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The testing of the A-bomb was the cover story for Jack's first field op.
A.Wall
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Jack Bauer is Chuck Norris's hero.
Nick
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For those of you who didn't know, Jack Bauer stole that can of Mountain Dew back from chuck norris.
Daddy-O
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Chuck Norris may be the reason Waldo is hiding, but Jack Bauer found him and gave him his word he has nothing to fear from Chuck Norris. Waldo is now a successful insurance salesman in Sacramento, CA.
Matt Schrader
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There is no use in crying over spilled milk, unless it was Jack Bauer's milk. Oh, you are so screwed.
Matt Schrader
|
Jack Bauer can get breakfast at McDonald's after 10:30am!
Paul
|
Jack Bauer does not miss. If he didn't hit you it's because he was shooting at another terrorist twelve miles away.
Jen
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Professor Charles Xavier from X-Men once tried to read Jack Bauer's mind. Now he's sitting in a wheel chair.
Brian
|
If it tastes like chicken, looks like chicken, and feels like chicken, but Jack Bauer says its beef. Then it's beef.
Brian
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If Jack Bauer were a Spartan, the movie would be called 1.
Zack C
|
Superman's only weakness is Kryptonite. Jack Bauer laughs at Superman for having a weakness.
Jackie
|
When the directors of 24 yell "cut," Bauer cuts their throats. No one stops Jack Bauer
Danny K
|
Jack Bauer definitely loves his daughter; he wouldn't let anyone else who made that many stupid decisions live.
Jeff
|
Jack Bauer never ever screws up during sex!
Bradley
|
People who play "24: The Game" die, because NOBODY plays Jack Bauer, and lives.
Isaias Garcia
|
Only Jack Bauer can fly a plane from the luggage compartment.
Cole
|
Jack doesn't believe in Murphy's Law, only Bauer's Law: "Whatever CAN go wrong, WILL be resolved in a period of 24 hours."
Sarah
|
There is the right way, the wrong way, and the Jack Bauer way. It's basically the right way but faster and more deaths.
Kim
|
During the commercials, Jack Bauer calls the CSI detectives and solves their crimes.
Sarah
|
Jack Bauer makes onions cry.
Dan
|
After 7 minutes of interrogation at the hands of Jack Bauer, Tom Cruise admitted that he was gay.
Cole
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Jack Bauer doesn't eat honey, he chews bees.
Adam
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